Testing. Testing. One, Two, Pee.

The Cast: Eric (a different one), Joe (ready to hurl), Robert (co-conspirator and my boss), Myself (the planner), Two More (two other drivers).

I opened the urinalysis tube, smelled it, then drank it, and said, “Nope. Not mine.” 

Sometimes you gotta take one for the team.

Previously, in other posts, I have mentioned on multiple occasions that I enjoy a good prank. And this was a good one.

At one point in my job-hopping about, I was employed as an armed courier for an armored car company. I liked the job. It was simple, involved security, there was physical activity, I got to be outdoors at times… It was good. During one day of a little house-cleaning at the garage, I found a rather large (unopened) box. My boss gave me permission to open it, as he had no idea what was in it. The box was full of urinalysis testing kits. I instantly had an idea.

My good buddy Erich had long ago told me about a movie in which a couple of fellows had to take a pee test (Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever, 1991). During the test, they get the samples mixed up and drank them to see whose pee was whose. The results are entertaining. Well, like I said before, I had an idea.

I spoke to my boss about my plan and he decided to look the other way about the whole thing. Then, I waited for the day of the week where all the drivers would be returning to the office at the same time and I would be doing paperwork (and preparations).

That morning I brought to work a canister of frozen apple juice concentrate, a pitcher, and a mind full of devious machinations. Oh, this was going to be a grand day. A day of fun and mild malicious malevolence.

After some time of working with different amounts of apple juice concentrate, I filled a few of the vials that were intended to be used for the containing of urine, mixed the rest of the juice in the pitcher, put it in the refrigerator (don’t waste juice), and then completed the rest of my plans.

For something of this magnitude to work, I would need to have everything timed just right. Any plan can be good, but if it’s not timed perfectly, it doesn’t sell.

On my desk, I had a signature sheet with all the employee’s names and spaces for signatures. I had several, unopened urinalysis kits lined up along the front edge. I had two sets of opened kits. And then there were four containers of ‘urine’ next to two ‘used’ kits. One vial had the tamper seal applied, the other three did not. With this setup, it would appear as though I had been interrupted in my work—distracted.

Robert and I rehearsed our parts. He was nervous about his ability to keep a straight face. So, we modified his part. He could yell his instructions from his office and would only need to show his face for a brief moment. It was just like Ocean’s Eleven, except that there was no money involved and there were only two of us. Otherwise, it was exactly the same.

At the appropriate time of day, Robert radioed the trucks and informed the drivers that upon their arrival—at end of day, they would all be subject to a random, company pee test. Our curriers had no issues with that.

An hour later the trucks arrived. Showtime!

As soon as the trucks entered the garage our drivers could hear Robert and I yelling at each other across different offices about the ‘computer problems he was having’ and how I ‘really needed to finish my paperwork’ because the trucks had just arrived. The drivers began their normal procedures, not knowing that they couldn’t do the normal routine, due to the fact that test they didn’t study for was all over my desk. Well, except one, he had been studying for the last hour and a half and really needed to take his exam.

“Everything alright?” Asked Joe (a good guy and solid employee).

“Yeah, yeah.” I dismissively waved his worries away as I walked out of my office and into Robert’s. As I pretended to help him with a file on the computer, I whispered, “Ready?” He was trying so hard to not lose his cool.

“Hey, so, can we hurry up and pee in the cup, or whatever? I really gotta go.” Eric had been drinking a lot of water that day—it was a warm day. And it had caught up to him.

“One second, alright?” I yelled over my shoulder. I directed at Robert, “There. Done. Ya’ happy now?” We had been whispering the revisions about his role, trying to keep him from giving the plan away.

“Yes.” Robert shot back. “Now, go and let them do their thing.”

I headed back into my office, visibly flustered and upset about recent events. “Alright, now, where was I?”

“So, what’s the deal with this test?” “Is somebody using?” “Can I go first? I’m gonna piss my pants.” “Seriously, it’s bad. He had to go before you called. Then he thought he’d wait so he would be sure to go.” “Why are we doing this?” “Are these the kits?” “Are we peeing in a box?” “Does someone have to watch us?” “CAN I GO NOW?!?” “Oh, hey, yeah, do one of you have to watch us pee?” “Shut up. Seriously, I have to go NOW!” These were the questions I was bombarded with. Perfect. It only added to what happened next.

“Hey, did you guys move the stuff on my desk?” As was the normal routine, they had put keys and other things on my desk to be checked in at the end of a shift. This had moved the four full bottles of ‘pee’ next to each other. They were now mixed up.

“Oh, shoot!” I was mad. “Robert. Get in here. These guys mixed the tests up.” I glared at the four drivers. “I hadn’t finished labeling them yet. I only have one sample verified and sealed.” As Robert entered the room, I held up one bottle of ‘pee’ and asked, “Is this one yours?”

Robert—being a large man of stature—towered over us all, and in his booming voice, irritably stated, “I don’t know. It was your job to keep track. You figure it out.” Then stormed out of the room to prevent himself from laughing out loud in front of everyone. He was barely containing himself as it was.

I popped the top to the container and took a sniff. “Doesn’t smell like mine. But it kinda looks like mine.” What happened next created a small chain of events that only lasted a minute or two, but seemed to go on forever. It was delightful.

That container of a few ounces of ‘pee’ was at eye-level before me. I had a mixed look of grumpiness and perplexity about my face. Then, out of nowhere, I put the bottle to my lips and swigged the pretend sample of urine in one swift swallow. “Nope. Not mine.”

The screams of shock and awe filled the room. Joe leaned forward and began to dry heave, his face turning a deep red. Eric suddenly forgot he had to pee and almost fell to the floor. One driver staggered out of the room, mumbling, “Why?” The fourth, just stood there, unaware that he was about to get thrown up upon.

“Wait. Maybe this one’s mine.” I opened another sample and gulped it down too. “Yeah, that one was mine.” Again, screams. Joe ran to the bathroom—hand over mouth—attempting to not puke all over the office.

I had done it. It had worked.

Perfection.

Eventually, Eric was allowed to go to the bathroom—after all the chaos and an explanation was provided that the whole pee test was just an elaborate prank. And after someone else (who had beat him to the bathroom) had finished using it.

Over the next few days, as Robert would walk into my office, and see me sipping from a tall glass of apple juice (you can’t let it go to waste), he would just say, “I can’t… Just, nope. I can’t watch you do that.” And then leave.

Sometimes, you gotta take one for the team.