THE Breakfast Burrito

The Cast: American cheese (‘cause it’s American), Cayenne pepper (muy caliente), Eggs (scrambled), Honey (an alternate), Mustard (mmm…), Tortillas (the wrap).

The Breakfast Burrito. People love them. Why? Cause they can be very tasty. Duh.

Now, nobody knows for sure where/when the breakfast burrito started, but there is evidence to support some popular theories. For history on the burrito, you can go here, for the history on the breakfast burrito, you can go here. I don’t wanna talk about them. I wanna talk about what I did (narcissist).

With all the stay at home stuff going on due to COVID-19, I have gotten a little creative with food. It seems I have always had this knack of just “knowing” about foods before I even mix them together. I can “taste” the end result before the end result—it’s a gift. Ooo, like my breaded chicken patty and strawberry cream cheese sandwiches… Mmmm… (it sounds terrible, I know, but oo-la-la is it good—I’ll tell you all about that one another time)

So anyway, for breakfast I enjoy the same foods. Foods that fill my stomach. Foods that will fuel me for the morning. Foods that will not destroy my colon (as you get older, that last one becomes more and more important). Let’s get back to the food, shall we? Yes, lets.

Yeah, breakfast. So, I like two sunny-side-up eggs, placed upsidedown onto two slices of warm, buttery toast. All served with a big mug of orange juice. YUM!!! It’s warm. It’s filling. It’s fuel. It treats my colon good (sorry we had to come back to this).

It’s also pretty healthy. One of the healthiest egg preparations is with a soft yoke. And when it’s flipped onto toast, you just apply a little pressure with your fork and ‘POP’. The yoke then oozes into the toast and the whole thing is just… Mmmmm!

Well, lately I have had this super-craving for tortillas. I don’t know why. Despite my personal history, I don’t really like many (most) traditional Latin foods. But there is just something about a tortilla, it’s just so tasty. And almost anything wrapped in it is tasty too. I say ‘almost’ because that’s what I mean. Almost.

The traditional/classic breakfast burrito has eggs (good), cheese (good), and potatoes (bad). You read that right. Potatoes = dirt clod somebody decided to cook and eat. And I say this as an Idaho-born boy (for those that don’t know, Idaho is famous for perpetuating one of the biggest scams in American history—they claim to sell what they call ‘potatoes’, but those of us that know the truth, know they are just clumps of dirt). Now we’re way off-topic. So, the classic breakfast burrito—for me—is out of the question. Which is why I came up with The Breakfast Burrito.

The Breakfast Burrito is simple. It’s probably not the healthiest. It is fuel. It is filling. And it’s oh-so-yummy!

Here’s what you need:
2 eggs (preferably medium to large)
2 slices of American cheese (substitutions will be discussed later—it’s later: they’re wrong. substitutions are wrong)
2 flour tortillas
Cayenne pepper
Mustard (Hickory Farms Honey Pineapple Mustard—this is the magic secret ingredient)

Now, just like any other recipe, yes, you can substitute changes, but just like any other recipe, if you make substitutions you don’t get the same result. Like if you take iron and carbon, you get steel. But, if you take iron and guacamole, you don’t get steel. So, if you make adjustments to this recipe and then you get all, “This isn’t that good.” Well, that’s because you added guacamole—especially because guacamole is disgusting (having eliminated potatoes and guacamole I have probably eliminated most readers as well—except the few die-hards out there thinking, “I’m gonna give him just one more chance to redeem himself.” good for you, it’s worth sticking around for).

First, get a pan big enough to scramble two eggs and set your stove burner to medium.

Next, place the butter in the pan and put the pan on the burner. I use this to gauge the pan’s warmth for cooking. How much butter? Well, about two pats worth.

While the butter’s melting, do the preparation work. Set out two tortillas. Take one of the slices of American cheese, tear it in half (if you have to cut the cheese, you got issues). Place one half in the center of each tortilla.

Once the butter is melty, spread it around the pan. We don’t want any sticky. The butter makes for nice and even cooking.

Now add the other stuff! Take the other slice of American cheese and place in pan. Add cayenne pepper to slightly stronger than preferred taste. (I’m not a spicy/pepper fan of any kind, but ooo-yum here) About four good dashes usually does it. Then, a good-sized dollop of the mustard.

Quick note on the mustard: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” is a quote attributed to Ben Franklin. Frankly, I don’t believe it, one because I don’t drink, and two because the Hickory Farms Honey Pineapple Mustard is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. That stuff is so good that I even liked the meat that was dipped in it when I first tried it. The meat was turkey. I don’t really like turkey (that’s not true, I think it’s fowl). Oh, that mustard is so yummy! And when it combines with the cayenne pepper, it makes magic happen.

Then the eggs: Add them.

Now just scramble the eggs and cook to desired consistency. I prefer ‘wetter’ eggs. My wife likes ‘drier’ eggs. This part is up to you, it really does not affect the outcome as the flavors are already together.

Once done, divide eggs into two equal portions and set on each tortilla (preferably on top of the half slices of cheese).

Next, wrap up your tortillas. The section where the cheese was, should end up on top. And while the warm eggs heat and melt the half slices of cheese inside the wrap, you now have a moment to clean up your mess (which isn’t much).

I already drank half my orange juice. I couldn’t help it.

Finally, eat. And, because they’re portable, they’re portable, and can be eaten on the go. I take mine to my studio to eat while I work.

My studio is just down the hall from my kitchen, so it doesn’t take me long to commute to work.

Note: Due to the ‘wetness’ of my eggs, the butter, and the true nature of American cheese, THE Breakfast Burrito may drip a little. So, have a napkin handy. But if you wrapped the tortilla right, you shouldn’t have an issue. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Substitutions: Alright you can do some limited substitutions. Here they are and what they do.
The mustard: If you must change out the mustard try to use one Honey Sause packet from Kentucky Fried Chicken. My wife keeps telling me, “You know that’s not honey, right? It’s Honey Sauce.” I know, it says so on the packet: HONEY SAUCE. That’s why I use it. But, if you can’t use that, you can use regular/real honey. Or just don’t. Just omit this ingredient and its options. It’s fine. Really. It’ll still taste good. Just not as.
The tortillas: None. They need to be flour tortillas.
Eggs: Umm, duh. No. No substitutions.
Cayenne pepper: Same as the eggs. Although brand is not specific (to my knowledge)
The cheese: Cheddar is a reasonable substitution. You can also do some American and some cheddar, like a half-&-half sort of thing. I will sometimes put American in the pan and half slices of Munster in the tortillas. But really, it’s just not the same with other cheeses. And anything more radical than cheddar or Munster just ruins it.
Butter: It’s not integral, it just makes the cooking easier and contributes a little extra something to the whole flavor experience.

It’s not honey, but it’s yummy.

Overall, it takes me about 7 minutes to cook and clean up. Add a few minutes to eat, and the whole thing is done and gone in about 10 minutes. I hope that you enjoy it and that it all works out for you in the end.

(in case you missed it, that last line was a colon joke. come on, you and I both knew it would end like this—well I did anyway)

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