The Cast: Mtn Dew (the breakfast drink of champions—orange juice is the third ingredient), Myself (weak/addicted), Nos (addicting/powerful).
About nine years ago I had a bit of a unique homework assignment (for my masters degree) where I needed to visually track time without using a clock and help others understand that time was passing. Well, my idea was to track my Monday homework turn-in procedure. While I would work on my assignments throughout the week, they were all due on Monday at midnight—they were online classes.
So, I combined a visual of time passing using my studio window, some Mountain Dew cans, and my assignments as they were checked off. I enjoy Mountain Dew, I do. I bought two 8-packs for the first visual, and then I would place the empty cans where the packs had been. I only drank two that whole day, but I thought the visual needed more ‘Umph!’ so I added old smashed cans from our recycle bin. Let me be clear that I did not drink all that is seen in the photos. However, some students missed that little note of my submission and made statements like, “You’ve got a serious problem.”
At any rate here is that assignment:
I tell you this because about two years ago I fell into an issue with some flavor combinations, and then developed a playful narrative about it that I just had to write down. I made myself the center of the satire—something I am still not sure about, and wrote about the biological issues I had developed as a result of eating two Burger King croissan’wichs and drinking a can of Nos energy drink every morning for breakfast, for four days straight. ‘Twas not a good idea. The whole thing did not settle well. But it tasted sooo gooood!
I don’t know if it was the warm greasy sausages and fake cheese combined with the burn that Nos does as it goes down your throat, then the egg and bread helped to absorb the toxins I had just ingested to make it all become a belly full of happiness… Mmmm! Until a few days into it. Then, not so beuno.
At that point I was already addicted to the whole thing and just had to ride it out until Friday. Then, after work, I could let nature take its course. And it did. It was course. It was unpleasant. It was something that I would wish upon my enemy—yes, you read that correctly. And I never did it again. So, I now share with you that fictional, exaggerated, satirical narrative that I wrote about myself—I just know I am going to regret this.
To fully appreciate this narrative, you need to mentally read with the voices of two sports casters, or radio personalities. Those positive, know-it-all (maybe even snobby), energetic announcers that you enjoy listening to (but also kinda hate). Once you have them in your head, you’re ready for Jim & Dave as they present to you: Nos Week: 2018! Enjoy! (I know I didn’t)
Dave: Good morning, Jim.
Jim: It is a good morning Dave. How are you doin’?
Dave: I’m doing great. Happy to be here once again for Nos Week: 2018!
Jim: I hear ya’ Dave. We’re here on day four of Nos Week and as we do each and every broadcast, we would like to draw our audience’s attention to one particular competitor. And today’s spotlight is on: William Bagnall.
Dave: Many of you fans may not know this, but, William has tried to retire from Nos Competitions in general, but every so often he comes back out of retirement to help his team out of a jam. You might say he’s a regular backup.
Jim: That’s right Dave. And speaking of “regular backups”, let’s remind our listeners of what today’s competition is all about, shall we?
Dave: You got it, Jim. Yes, folks, it’s day four of Nos Week: 2018, and so today William will be facing one of the week’s toughest challenges, the Hoover Dam-it! Now, for those of you who may not be familiar with the Hoover Dam-it! event, let us explain. Jim?
Jim: Sure thing, Dave. Yes, the Hoover Dam-it! is one of Nos Week’s toughest challenges. This challenge includes both constipation and diarrhea.
Dave: And either one, or both, could be extreme.
Jim: That’s right Dave. This event is named the Hoover Dam-it! because like the Hoover Dam there is a large amount of liquid build-up inside William’s colon. And, like the dam, it’s not going anywhere. But could still burst at any time.
Dave: Yikes! That sounds bad Jim. *chuckle*
Jim: Indeedy-doo, Dave. (*hehe*) Indeedy-doo.
Dave: So how does this competition go?
Jim: Well if William can “go” (*har har*) then his goal is to try and make it as smooth a transition as possible with as little effort, and time, as possible. But, still trying to be the last one to hold out until the end.
Dave: Well that might be hard.
Jim: No, it should be pretty soft about now (*heh heh*) with all those Nos’ extras coursing through his system from this week’s training.
Dave: (*ha*) That’s right! William has been training for today by eating two Burger King sausage, egg, and cheese croissan’wichs every day at breakfast, for four days. And then washing them down with 24oz’s of Nos. Every day! What a competitor! What a guy!
Jim: No doubt about it Dave, William is ready for today. Even though every day during Nos Week the events are randomized, it’s like William knew this event was coming on this very day.
Dave: Like a premonition, you might say.
Jim: Yeah, like a, like a sixth sense.
Dave: Yeah, yeah. Well, he’s going to need that sixth sense if he wants to stay ahead of the game today.
Jim: And speaking of heads, William had better hope that the path to his toilet is clear.
Dave: You’re assuming that he’s at home. *hehehe*
Jim: True! (*chuckle*) He might be at work or running errands around town. Oooo, that would be bad to have to compete in a public facility, am I right?
Dave: What a true competitor. But, oohh man, that could be rough.
Jim: Not as rough as that public toilet paper might be. (*heheeh*) Am I right? *heh*
Dave: (*belly laugh*) Oh! Oh, so true. (*hehe*) So true. But on the serious side…
Jim: Not the backside. (*heh*) Or, more accurately, his backside. *harhar*
Dave: (*HA!*) No! Not there. Well, hopefully not there. (*ha*) Seriously though, William is going to have to carefully consider every. single. activity. he executes today in order to avoid a potentially bad situation.
Jim: Indeed Dave. Indeed. Because the Hoover Dam-it! combines the almost overwhelming need to poop with the unfortunate inability to do just that.
Dave: (*snicker*) Poop. (*heh heh*) Sorry. *giggle*
Jim: It’s alright. (*giggle*) I laugh too.
Dave: William does have some experience in this competition, fortunately, as a Marine Corps veteran, let’s not forget. He has, after all, consumed many, MANY, M.R.E.’s.
Jim: Yes, that’s true. Let’s not overlook that factor.
Dave: (*heh*) But… But that was 20 years ago. It’s been a while.
Jim: Isn’t that how old the M.R.E.’s were when William ate them? 20 years?
Dave: (*Chuckle*) Could be, Jim. Maybe. (*haha*) Probably. *lol*
Jim: Yeah, probably. *chortle*
Dave: Well, if William can make it through the day, and drink enough regular fluids, at regular intervals, he might be able to stabilize his hydration and find himself a winner in the end.
Jim: That’s true, Dave. Letting things stabilize is the ideal situation, not always possible mind you. But still, ideal.
Dave: Yes, if William can overcome the many challenges of the Hoover Dam-it!, and can make it until tomorrow, he will find himself a gold medalist in this event. But if not…
Jim: If not, well then… He’ll find himself in the #2 position.
Dave: Good luck William!
Jim: Yes, best of luck. And thank you all for tuning in for Nos Week: 2018! I’m Jim.
Dave: And I’m Dave. Join us tomorrow to see if William can win in the Who Needs Sleep With Narcolepsy: I Have Nos! final event! Good-bye!